Getting a married couple to work together on a project in perfect harmony can sometimes be easier said than done. Especially when both of them are used to the spotlight. Chances are after a while the act will wear off and you can expect them to be at each other's throats once or twice an hour. But when it comes to comedians Ralphie May and Lahna Turner, it just doesn't happen. When I was invited to sit in on the Perfect 10 Podcast believe me, I genuinely expected to witness at least one little squabble to break out. But honestly, it didn't happen once.
Usually the duo record their hit podcast (named “Perfect 10” because that is what they look like visually standing next to each other, a 1 and a 0) at their home, but this weekend they spent it at the Brea Improv. Even after a long weekend filled with six shows and being that it was Mother's Day, they were still up for taping this episode that will be called, “Hacks N Sacks.” Produced by the equally hilarious Danny Lobell, while Ralphie was doing time on stage killing the crowd, I met up with Lahna and Danny in the green room (which is actually red) and chatted it up with both of them while we waited for Ralphie to finish.
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On this particular night, Ralphie ended his set at 10:00 p.m. and the fans filed out to commemorate the night with a photo opportunity with their favorite pair. Both of them are always take the time to meet and greet fans after the show. Ralphie then came back into the green room to relax and get his microphone levels right with Danny while Lahna, the ever doting wife, packed up the car and made sure her hubby had his “Fit Foods” meal heated up for him. See, Ralphie is on a special portioned-sized diet and he was absolutely raving about how simple and delicious it is. It also smelled pretty fucking great and I was really hoping the mic didn't pick up my stomach growling. I'm not even kidding.
You can tell the “Perfect 10” team is passionate about getting their content out to the listeners because at this point, it's 11:00 pm and that's when the show prep started. Lahna had mentioned she was on three hours of sleep from the night before and Ralphie just did a solid two hour set for each show each night this weekend. Now that's hardcore. Luckily, they are a prepared bunch so they were all on the same page and being that they are comics, improvising comes easy. For this particular episode they're discussing an incident with their daughter; their upcoming specials; and they have music at the end by Patrick Sweany from Mercy Lounge in Nashville. Then since their schedules are so busy, they tape several segments ahead of time that they cut in for content. Lahna told me,
“We like to keep our podcast under an hour so it's quick and digestible. You get interviews, interactive segments and if you listen to the whole thing, you'll get live music at the end. We have our guy Aaron who records bands for us in Nashville so you also get an original recording that you can't hear anywhere else.
“Yeah, and who does that on their podcast? We put in a band at the end,” Ralphie added.” “We're gonna capture the next Pearl Jam or Nirvana.”
“Or Nickleback,” Danny chimed in, laughing.
“Or Colplay,” countered. I immediately added, “OK, don't start talking shit on Maroon 5!” I get booed instantly. It figures.
Prep only lasted about five minutes and they were off and running with energy as high as if they snorted a line of coke. But I can vouch, they didn't, I swear! It's interesting how Ralphie and Lahna really balance each other out of course not just visually, but vocally as well. Don't get me wrong, they're both twisted sick fucks, but his vocals are more rant-like and hers counter sweetly and stop him almost dead in his tracks. It was actually pretty adorable to watch in person. They led off with a song by a rapper/comic that Danny met named Zach Sherwin (aka MC Mr. Napkins aka soon to be formerly known as MC Mr. Napkins) who was a little reminiscent of Eminem to me. Zach probably hates that comparison so I humbly apologize but, it's meant as compliment. The man has skills. They then went straight into the “Perfect 10 intro song” which is sung by the “Mays” and explains the duo in that dirty way that only they can.
You should also know that Lahna and Ralphie are huge dog lovers. They presently have a dog named Hoochie Mama who makes the rounds at some of their local shows in Orange and L.A. Counties to raise money and awareness for charity. Matter of fact, in Brea they were helping “Big Paws Canine Academy and Foundation.” This particular episode started off with Lahna telling a story about their daughter April getting bitten by their neighbor's pit bull which happened to be off of its leash. Ralphie was out of town at the time and obviously he was none too pleased, quipping how, “he'd like to send that dog on a vacation” and that if he was back in Arkansas he'd, “put that dog down.” Their fire for the topic, being that it involved their daughter, was the same but it came off totally different. Ralphie's was assertive and Lahna's was glum as if she were reliving the kids' faces when it happened. And she probably was.
Matter of fact, she mentioned that she took both of their kids to get ice cream after April got her stitches. (Ralphie corrected her that, “It was actually yogurt, not ice cream.”) said, “We nearly stepped on two condoms on the way out from getting the yogurt and I was like, this is the fucking worst day of my life! My kid gets bit by a dog and then gets AIDS!” Ralphie immediately burst out laughing, instantly lightening the mood. The lessons I think we can all learn here are, keep your pit bull on a leash and pick up your rubbers for god sake!
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Back to the artist almost formerly known as “MC Mr. Napkins,” Zach Sherwin, he is apparently a man of many skills because he is also a hacky sack master. As Lahna mentioned before, to keep the podcast interactive, she had gone to a park and learned a little hacky sack with Zach. Whoa, now I'm a rapper. Hey, call me Zach. Turns out that Ralphie actually hacky sacked back in the day as well and he told us a story of how he used it for physical therapy when he had a car accident at seventeen. In case you didn't know, he couldn't walk and was left in a wheel chair and he used the hacky sack to help with his hand-eye coordination. Pretty trippy. Lahna asked, “I wonder if Lance Armstrong used it for physical therapy also when he lost a ball?”
“No, he only used half a hacky sack.” Ralphie said, without missing a beat. These two, I tell you.
Let's get into Tobe Hixx. This segment is wild. Prerecorded with Lahna, this is actually “part two” and this guy's story can only be labeled as out of effing control and totally worthy of a documentary. Hixx was a former drug dealer who lived a life of crime and he credits comedy for changing it. The stories that he offers up are nothing short of jaw dropping. Straight up gangster. Excuse me. Gangsta. I just can't ruin this one for you, especially the story about his best friend. Seriously, just go listen to it. I can ruin the fact that Santa isn't real (sorry kids), but I just can't do it with this one.
Something I will tell you about however, is that both Lahna and Ralphie are heading out to Las Vegas to tape their specials at South Point. Before that, the whole Perfect 10 crew will also be doing a weekend at the Ontario Improv for a little more prep, but, I highly doubt they'll need it, so back to Vegas. Ralphie will be taping one show on Saturday that'll be called, “Filthy Animal” and then will be doing a “420” show on Sunday. Lahna told me she is still working on her special's title but she believes it will be called, “Fisting the Hole.” I for one hope she goes with that title because, hello? Hilarious! While they were talking about their special during the podcast, Ralphie couldn't help obsessing about the dress that his wife will be wearing during the taping saying, “I get a boner when I think about you in that little white dress.” So cute.
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Speaking of cute, at one point Lahna mentioned she was cold during the podcast and Ralphie promptly took off his top t-shirt and gave it to her. Of course, she was swimming in it. I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that opposites do indeed attract because after fourteen years of marriage and two kids, putting these two foul mouths together in a room to record a podcast ends up making a “Perfect 10” in more ways than one.
I guess all that's left now is to cue Patrick Sweany live from Mercy Lounge and get ready to rock out with your cocks and “fat monkey's” out!
Ralphie May and Lahna Turner will be at the South Point Casino in Las Vegas May 24th-27th. Check out The Perfect 10 Podcast on www.perfect10pod.com and follow them on Twitter: @Perfect10Pod.
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Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.