Look, you ate too damned much during the four-day Thanksgiving break. But it's cool. We've all been there. The good news is there's this little thing called exercise that's going to get you back to who you were last Wednesday.
As an avid gym member (the girl at the front desk knows my name), I know that Mondays there suck because people think they can just take one spinning class and work off all the bad shit they've put into their bodies since Friday. Coming off the Thanksgiving break, I assume today will be incredibly busy with people who want to be able to see their toes again, which only makes working out sound like even less fun than it already is. That's why I'm here to help.
With these six songs on your iPod (or whatever listening device you use), you're guaranteed to lose the extra helping of grandma's stuffing and those seven beers you drank Thursday night after having four glasses of wine at your sister's house.
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1. LMFAO, “Sexy and I Know It”
LMFAO knows they're
sexy and thanks to this song, so do you. Maybe you don't have wild hair
or the ability to stroll down the boardwalk in Venice while singing
this song, but you can use the chorus (“Girl look at that body/I work
out”) as motivation to run just a little harder and faster so that cute
girl three ellipticals down will stare at you in the mirror one day.
Unfortunately, she's a cute girl, which means she didn't stuff her fat
face all weekend, so today is not the day for you. But maybe one day.
2. Right Said Fred, “I'm Too Sexy (Tastemakers Remix)”
This song kicked ass when it came out in 1991 and the 2007 Tastemakers remix
is no different. The lyrics are the same, which means he's still too
sexy for Milan, New York and Japan. He does his little turn on the
catwalk, but the beat is updated in a way that is…how do I say this
politely? More modern. Yeah, that's it. You can laugh all you want
about this song and how Right Said Fred is a one-hit wonder and
all that jazz, but consider two things: 1. That's one more hit than
you've got, right? and 2. Based on this 2007 video, these dudes are
still in damn good shape. Bastards.
3. Gillionaire, “Rifles Burs”
Yes, it is my goal to incorporate this song into every blog I write for the
remainder of my life. That shouldn't take away from how yoked you're
gonna be when this comes on the ol' iPod. I mean, “gunshots are
the beat” and if that doesn't get you feeling pumped, nothing will.
Besides, if dude can take off his shirt and make these rifles burs, then
goddamn it you can run an extra half hour on a stationary bicycle while
watching “Monday Night Football.” If not, Gillionaire will come out of his Youtube video,
take off his shirt and make his rifles burs all over your flabby
stomach. You want to think I'm joking, but you've seen the video. You
know I'm right. Oh, and because we're trying to lose weight here, this will
be the only time I will ever not recommend listening to Gillionaire's other smash hit single, “Snacks.” Although, when you are on a two-hour run, “big ol' bags of diabetes” do sound good.
4. Mark Morrison, “Return of the Mack”
Full disclosure: This is my all-time favorite jam and it makes every list I
ever create. How this relates to getting into shape is irrelevant
because it works in every situation I've ever been in. (Even fuller
disclosure: I bumped this track at my grandma's funeral and for three
minutes and 44 seconds, we all forgot she died. That's how swag this
song is.) However, if your ears don't work and you need more evidence,
just listen to Mr. Morrison (when speaking of the singer of this
song, we always use “Mr.” because, through this song, he has earned that
respect) and convince yourself that putting this tune on repeat will, in
fact, return you to that mack you used to be. Pretty soon, you'll not
only be back to rock the show while singing your comeback song, but
he/she will definitely not be lying to you anymore when they say that
you look good.
5. Richard Simmons, “Sweatin' to the Oldies”
Could I write a description of why you need to watch Richard Simmons and his “Sweatin' to the Oldies” videos? Yes. Should I? No.
6. Nicki Minaj, “Super Bass”
I put this track on the list because it's what I like to call “the wild
card.” Let me explain: I don't like this song. Like, at all. But, it
serves a great purpose for our goal of losing weight. You see, when I
hear songs like this, all I want to do is flee in hopes that somehow I
will be able to outrun shit music like this. I run and I run and I run,
constantly thinking that I'll get to that proverbial finish line and
when I do, something awesome like “Return of the Mack” will be waiting
there for me. Unfortunately, that never happens. However, that sprint to
save my ears from this aural trainwreck lasts three minutes and 39
seconds, which is kind of a long time to run as fast as you can.
