Photo by Mike McGillMusic may be the food of love—and beans the musical fruit—but right now, what we'd like to hear most is that our New York steak is up. In search of great places to eat, we've stumbled into a North County eatery famous for its meatiness—its chops, ribs, loins (mmm, loins), rib-eyes and hams, its wieners, sirloins (mmm, loins) and, occasionally, briskets. As soon as we walk inside—the suck of the door closing behind us, the noise from within rising like a wall of water before us—we know we're in the right place: this beef bazaar, this pork parade, this carnivore's carnival, this fleshy slab of pleasure (about yea thick) in which we feast upon brother cow's seared heinie, knowing this is the way God and the American Beef Council would want it. A man trundles by, his mammoth girth at war with itself, his belly pouring over his belt on all sides, his wife bringing up the rear (and what a rear, like two portly toddlers fighting in a polyester sack), pushing her own oxygen bottle on wheels pumping life—delicious life—directly into her nostrils. They'll have the twice-chicken-fried steak, please!
We could run, but to where? We are onterra incognita carnivora. Which is at least partly the point of the amazing food adventure upon which you are about to embark. Let's say you live in South County and want to have dinner with a friend visiting Disneyland before taking in a show at Club 369. It's a long trip. You figure on breakfast near home (see San Clemente), lunch at some midpoint (let's say Mission Viejo), dinner in Anaheim and a late-night snack in Fullerton. Your culinary itinerary might look like the following: breakfast at the rustic Tommy's Restaurant, lunch at the high-end/low-priced Cappriccio Italiano, dinner at the fabulous MOS 2, and an after-dinner dessert at Angelo's and Vinci's. And then to the emergency room, where we recommend highly the undiluted house Oh-Two, stat, with a nice hypo of adrenalin to get the heart moving again.
ALISO VIEJO
[BREAKFAST] Cafe Scandiaoffers little that's reminiscent of the land of the midnight sun, fjords and Lars von Trier. Among the array of French pastries (too extravagant for the breakfast of a mere mortal), their Danishes are the only baked goods that remotely qualify as Nordic—and even they don't really count. In Denmark and Sweden, they're called wienerbröd (Viennese bread) because Austrian bakers were the ones who showed the Danes the technique of making the pastry. After trying Scandia's flaky, cream-cheese Danishes, I forgave them a little for the false advertising. More light pastry than greasy donut, their date-walnut bear claw has just enough sweetness for breakfast. Even I, indifferent to dates, could appreciate its jam-like filling. And thanks to Herr Diedrich (another non-Scandinavian—geesh!), their coffee actually has flavor. [LUNCH] Across the patterned brick street from Scandia lies Daphne's Greek Cafe, the only OC location of this San Diego-based chain. Daphne's hides its chain background well; it wasn't until noticing the wrapping on one of its jam-packed falafel that I spied its seven other locations. This being Aliso Viejo—a city that has an overwhelming majority of chains along its main business stretch, Aliso Creek Road—I was hardly astonished. The setting is casual: order at the counter (their succulent braised-beef-and-lamb gyro is a good choice), and the food is brought to your table. Their secret-recipe tsatsiki provides a creamy condiment in many of their reasonably priced and already flavorful foods. [DINNER] Bypass the overrated Macaroni Grille and head for the hidden locals' hangout Cosmo's Italian Kitchen. Owned by two guys who used to work for major restaurant chains, this family-style establishment eschews a claustrophobic setting for a spacious, modern feel. Though Cosmo Kramer's frazzled mug is featured on one of the walls, you'll be reassured to know that the restaurant is named after a family friend who undoubtedly has more culinary sense than Jerry Seinfeld's sidekick. Topped with a creamy, garlicky pesto sauce, Cosmo's homemade, meat-filled ravioli tastes like nothing Chef Boyardee could ever dream of; my boyfriend made sure he sopped up every smidgen with bread. The hearty minestrone soup or mixed-green house salad are well-worth the added 75 cents to complement your meal. (Anna Barr) Cafe Scandia, 26841 Aliso Creek Rd., Ste. D, (949) 448-9797; Daphne's Greek Cafe, 26611 Aliso Creek Rd., (949) 831-5004; Cosmo's Italian Kitchen, 23411 Laguna Hills Dr., (949) 448-9040.
ANAHEIM
[BREAKFAST] A sort of proletarian Rainforest Caf, Anaheim's Jungle Grill N Bakery has a few fake toucans perched on silk-flower-covered swings and some sad bamboo mats for wall covering. To hell with 500-gallon aquariums and jungletainment—their breakfast quesadilla rocks. It's a flour tortilla as big as a stingray and layered with three scrambled eggs, cheese, sausage, tomatoes and onions with avocado, sour cream and salsa on the side. After your choice of O'Brien-style potatoes (over the fruit cup), your stomach staples will be stretched sufficiently for [LUNCH] at California Fried Rice. This postage-stamp-sized, family-owned Filipino eatery is new to Brookhurst's restaurant row, and it's worth checking out. They serve glistening fried rice, tightly coiled egg rolls stuffed with tangy pork and minced vegetables, and chicken cooked till it's falling off the bone, along with a host of traditional dishes that would make a homesick Manilan cry tears of joy. To round out the day, there is no finer place for a [DINNER] of teriyaki than MOS 2. It's an industrious little kitchen full of huge rice cookers, meats sizzling on the grill and a giant table covered with pillbox-sized cups of teriyaki sauce. The sake-tinged potion is made on the premises and served over rice and chicken, beef or pork. The bowls are filling and cheap, but the combination plates come with salad that has a secret sesame dressing on par with the teriyaki sauce. Police and probation vehicles are constantly peeling in and out for the fine, fast food, giving the place a festive Squad 51 air. For years, it suffered from dilapidation, but lately, profits from the black gold are evident in the new blue awnings. The plastic owl rigged up on the roof presiding over the open patio is also a thoughtful touch. (Kelly McGinnis) Jungle Grill N Bakery, 30 S. Anaheim Blvd., (714) 635-3035; California Fried Rice, 305 S. Brookhurst St., (714) 774-4000; MOS 2, 1008 W. Lincoln Ave., (714) 772-8543.
BREA
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Let us talk of toast, the toast I must order with every [BREAKFAST]. I've only been to Hof's Bar N Grill once (which is not affiliated with the Hof's Hut mini-chain), but their toast was damn perfect, a lovely, pristinely singed shade of brown, not too charred, but not so pale and sickly looking that it looked like all they did back there in the kitchen was take it out of the bag and stick it in a microwave for a few seconds —which, come to think of it, is probably the way Jim Silva would make toast. Underdone toast ruins every breakfast for me, especially when my precious slices get soaked in that grotesque imitation butter. At Hof's, they know how to do toast. They actually toast it! The walk-up [LUNCH] crowd at Brea's Best Burgers would claim that the folks behind the counters here really know how to do burgers, though I wouldn't know. Haven't had a burger here in years, especially since I started ordering their hefty burritos, so ungodly huge that they could easily be your breakfast, lunch and dinner, if you partition them right. They also have decent ostrich burgers, I've heard, but I wouldn't know that either, because freaky meat freaks me out. For [DINNER], head to Mikoshi Japanese Noodle House. Though the set-up is a strictly informal, take-this-number-to-your-seat-and-we'll-bring-it-out-to-you environment, the noodle bowls taste like they oughta cost double what they do. Look for me wolfing down a teriyaki chicken-breast yakisoba, with salad, noodles, rice, and a thinly cut slab of grilled bird (but doing said wolfing with a fork instead of the chopsticks they also give you—too paranoid about getting wood splinters on my tongue). (Rich Kane) Hof's Bar N Grill, 1639 E. Imperial Hwy., (714) 990-4944; Brea's Best Burgers, 707 S. Brea Blvd., (714) 990-2615; Mikoshi Japanese Noodle House, 955 E. Birch, (714) 255-9456.
BUENA PARK
[BREAKFAST] The sacred apron of Cordelia Knott, chicken-spattered and boysenberry-stained like some calico Shroud of Turin, casts its eminent reputation across every dining experience in this town—even those that don't require a deep fryer or feature a jar of preserves. We sensed it while waking up with a couple cups of coffee and waiting for our bacon-and-eggs-and-pancakes special at Goodies, a bright, clean restaurant located a few hundred yards south from where Knott's dinner house is churning out breakfasts, too. Goodies simultaneously functions as a visitors center and a refuge for locals. Its clientele seems equally split between ga-ga Iowans fueling up for a day at the amusement park and long-naturalized Okies who roll their eyes and shake their heads at the hubbub. All of this sometimes shows in the harried faces of Goodies waitresses, but the cooks don't seem fazed. Our bacon was crisp, the eggs scrambled to excitement rather than death, and the pancakes fluffy. The morning rush ended about the time the park opened. [LUNCH] The tell-a-friend message on the menu at Tree's emphasizes that this restaurant advertises by word of mouth, but it was the smoking U-Haul-trailer-sized barbecue in the middle of the strip-mall parking lot that lured us inside. We had the beef ribs soaked in tangy sauce with a side order of savory greens, a Pepsi and a bunch of napkins. The meal was delivered in a Styrofoam takeout container, which kinda rubbed us the wrong way even if it did prove convenient when we opted to save our last Flintstone-sized rib for dinner at home. [DINNER] It has been a while since Benihana made teppan-style Japanese-cooking showmanship a mainstream American fad. But whether the hissing grill and spinning knives at Karuta strike you as a little pop-culture retro or even warmly nostalgic, they are a startling reminder of the joys and dangers of this food-and-fun combo. While awaiting portions of shrimp, sesame chicken and teriyaki steak, along with mixed veggies and sprouts, our comic/surgeon/cook reviewed the Austin Powers sequel, anticipated the new Adam Sandler flick and made a what-did-the-banana-say-to-the-vibrator joke while a strobe light flashed on his flicking, flashing knives and he amazingly avoided providing us with a side order of his fingers. (Dave Wielenga) Goodies, 8525 Beach Blvd., (714) 220-1235; Tree's, 8511 Knott Ave., (714)995-9442; Karuta, 6890 Beach Blvd., (714) 994-2730.
COSTA MESA
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[BREAKFAST] We go to the Costa Mesa Omelette Parlor, where the food is terrific, fast and inexpensive. This place is so good that people come by the legions despite the fact that the Parlor is hidden in the back corner of a 17th Street strip mall; despite the fact that when you walk through the door, you are confronted by menacing Big Boy-esque gargantuan statuary wearing an “I Hate VW Buses” button; despite the cheesy interior with its giant stuffed gorillas and authentic horse-drawn wagon hanging over your noggin; despite the fact that they sell T-shirts featuring a rooster attempting to cannibalize his offspring, chasing leg-sprouted eggs with a frying pan. People come because the breakfast is great (here's a tip: try the omelets), the orange juice is pulpy and the place has that kind of relaxed, Our Place feel where you seat yourself—just never under the wagon. [LUNCH] Off to Yaohan Plaza, which is located on Paularino Avenue (“Heya, Paularino!” “Oh, hiya, Norton.” That just never gets old). Some people have described this as a step into Japan; others as an exotic food court. What it is: a Japanese market where you can also buy Hula bobble-headed dolls and good-luck cat erasers and anything and everything having to do with this Pokmon phenomenon that I don't understand—weren't Beanie Babies just the big thing?—and there are Sailor Moon beach towels and sushi plates for sale in bulk, and when you get to the food court, you can have noodles or sushi or tempura or special combo plates, and everything is replicated in Formica, and you sit and eat while watching the Japanese variety show on one TV monitor and then watch the Japanese animation on another, and you see the Hello Kitty store, and you think you really like these noodles and the shrimp, and you like this place, and you smile when the Asian kid behind you asks one of the food court people a question and they shoot back, “No! No French fries!” [DINNER] Off to Troquet (French for “three-person croquet”), which has quickly been acknowledged as one of the best restaurants in the county. Now, I won't lie to you: with food this good, you will be subjected to—you should pardon the term—rich people. Try to avoid eye contact, and you should be fine. Instead, focus on the food, which is magnificent. I started with a Greek salad that came stacked like that guy in Kid 'N Play's hair. And it tasted even better. My companion started with a green salad and then had a salmon dish served on a bed of spinach and a catamaran of potatoes underneath a Jheri curl of fried onions. The salmon was moist and delicious. So was I, but that has nothing to do with this. Anyway, I had an outstanding lamb dish topped by some delicious green ground cover and served alongside onions. For dessert, something called megeve was simply one of the best things I've ever had in my life. It arrived like a chocolate snowball, with dusty chocolate covering strata of bittersweet-chocolate mousse, praline and meringue. It just screamed, “EAT ME!” But in French. I like that. (Steve Lowery) Costa Mesa Omelette Parlor, 179 E. 17th St., (949) 645-0740; Yaohan Plaza, 665 Paularino Ave., (714) 557-6699; Troquet, (inside South Coast Plaza) 3333 Bristol St., Ste. 3001, (714) 708-6865.
CYPRESS
Designed to be a fast-food city serving a population of college students and electronics-industry geeks, the city's directory of restaurants looks like the advertising runlist for an Afterschool Special: Taco Bell/KFC/Carl's Jr./Wienerschnitzel/In-N-Out/Burger King drive-throughs all within short driving distance of one another. In a compromise with the “scarf and get back to class/work” ethic of the city, I've focused on dining spots in and around the Valley View area of the industrial/ education center, insisting on locations that feature a more leisurely atmosphere. [BREAKFAST] Begin by slowing things down with the time warp of Dalton's. “Family-style” before the phrase meant “Norm's,” Dalton's has gabby servers with odd hairstyles (not the Ed Debevic's faux, cast-member clowns, but really conversational), a mostly older clientele staring blankly into the dark recesses of their bottomless cups of coffee, hearty extra-large egg breakfasts served all day, and a menu dominated by meat and fried stuff. [LUNCH] Off to the submarine counter at Ralphs for lunch. Yeah, we're going to eat lunch in a supermarket. Gasp in astonishment as counter gals Patsy and Lisa construct gastronomical masterpieces out of bloody roast beef and fresh bread, overflowing with shredded lettuce, tomato, olives, onions and pepperocinis. In the bakery, Kim has laid out samples of sublime gourmet cookies, coffee cakes and pastries. Since there's only one table at which to, um, dine, get there before the lunch crowd. [DINNER] Don't bother with the tables of the tiny Uzushio. Make a beeline to the sushi bar, where the fish is the coldest and most inventively prepared. As with most sushi bars, prices get away from you if you don't pay attention, so keep a running tally as you nosh. Anything on the menu involving eel or avocado is a must; the fried, heads-still-on-as-beady-little-eyes-stare-at-you shrimp is a greasy delight. (Dave Barton) Dalton's Restaurant, 9575 Valley View St., (714) 229-8101; Ralphs Grocery Company, 4033 Ball Rd., Cypress, (714) 827-7947; Uzushio, 10545 Valley View St., (714) 236-0678.
DANA POINT
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[BREAKFAST] Tired of your whiny LA friends who complain that Orange County is culturally monolithic? Take them to Dana Point's Harbor House. Here you'll find a sweeping cross section of the social strata and this beach community's best breakfast. From white surf rats to briefcase-toting Asian businessmen to goo-goo-eyed Latino teens to black housewives, this place attracts everyone. If you like plenty of options, Harbor House probably has OC's most extensive 24-hour breakfast menu. If you love roomy booths (as we do), you'll be right at home here. Occasionally, the waitresses are too busy flirting with local high school jocks to warm your coffee, but who cares when the food is consistently gratifying and the atmosphere so intriguing? [LUNCH] Whenever the Weekly's reporters meet Dana Point's elected officials and top bureaucrats for lunch interviews, it's always at Hennessey's Tavern. We've even seen colorful former Laguna Niguel City Councilman Eddie Rose downing a beer and swiping a French fry from a fellow diner's plate. But don't hold that against this unpretentious mom-and-pop-style restaurant. You can't go wrong with one of the tavern's generous sandwich-salad combos and bottomless iced teas, delivered by genial servers who understand that you don't have all day to wait for the check. [DINNER] Thai This has long been a favorite of Weekly music contributor Buddy Seigal—and with good reason. Although the main dining room looks horrifically similar to a Holiday Inn restaurant, don't be fooled. Thai This could easily compete with San Francisco's most satisfying dining experiences. On our first visit, we were delighted to learn that the Pidgin English menu belied the kitchen's expertise. Not once has our chicken been dry, our cashews soggy or our rice lumpy. If you can't decide from among two dozen menu items, choose the inexplicably named “Old MacDonald,” a fresh vegetable fried-rice dish. Be forewarned: this restaurant is wildly popular and packed almost every night with boisterous and loyal locals. But that's fine; you can start your evening by sampling Thai beer in the postage-stamp-sized bar with the county's most unpretentious bartenders. (R. Scott Moxley) Harbor House, 34157 Pacific Coast Hwy., (949) 496-9270; Hennessey's Tavern, 3411 La Plaza, (949) 488-0121; Thai This, 24501 Del Prado, Ste. B, (949) 240-7944.
FOUNTAIN VALLEY
[BREAKFAST] In the seminal '70s/'80s sitcom Alice, wannabe singer Alice Hyatt (Linda Lavin) took a “temporary” job at a greasy spoon called Mel's Diner along the interstate outside Phoenix. The Mel's Dinerin Fountain Valley is in the middle of a nondescript strip mall, our friendly waitress gave no indication she could carry a tune beyond her shower stall, and Vic Tayback's back hair didn't wind up in our oatmeal. The homestyle cooking at the non-TV Land version is so good that my tablemate remarked, “I feel like I've died and gone to caloric heaven.” Three buttermilk pancakes—topped with a golf-ball-sized dollop of butter—were so large they left little of the underlying platter exposed. Fluffy biscuits topped with creamy, bacon-and-pepper-flaked gravy had us whistling “Dixie.” But the pice de rsistance was the homemade cinnamon roll. Pull a piece off the doughy land mine and dip it into the warm mixture of glaze, butter and cinnamon that collects at the bottom of your dish for a taste explosion. The rolls are served only on weekends. We're counting down the days. [LUNCH] I've had chicken tortas. I've had veggie tortas. It wasn't until I ventured into Harbor Caf N Tacos that I sampled a turkey torta. Besides the usual ingredients found in a Mexican sandwich (lettuce, beans and slabs of onion, tomato and avocado), the large French rolls were filled with thin slices of white turkey meat. If your waistline isn't a concern, go with the ham, chorizo or roast beef filling. I had mine with a side salad and a frozen mocha, and the tab was only $7. Wotta deal! [DINNER] After that much grub, you might think a light dinner was in order, but I just programmed Hoag's cardiac unit's number into my cell phone's direct dial and headed to my new favorite Mexican restaurant: Seor Ruben's. This is one cozy oasis—especially after generous-sized margaritas and frosty-mugged Tecates are set before you. We devoured two baskets of warm, homemade chips and salsa before our meals arrived. My shark fajitas—strips of onion, tomato, bell peppers and killer fish served sizzling in a platter—were muy bueno, and there was enough left over for a fab lunch the next day. (Matt Coker) Mel's Diner, 9430 Warner Ave., Unit I, (714) 963-2662; Harbor Caf N Tacos, 16540 Harbor Blvd., (714) 839-8542; Seor Ruben's, 11035 Warner Ave., (714) 531-4909.
FULLERTON
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[BREAKFAST] You awake on the quaint streets of Fullerton. On the mean streets. It was a long night. You like Fullerton: it has lots of trees. But it is a hot little town, and it is already shaping up to be a scorcher. So you go for a preemptive cooling beer at Cal State Fullerton's Pub. It is nice and dark, but there are lots of frat boys having beer for breakfast, too, which could conceivably ruin your mood (the frat boys, not the beer). That's okay; you are in a beer-for-breakfast kind of mood, too, and today you will not hate them. You slouch into a booth and consider ordering a pizza, which comes from Roundtable Pizza. You do so. It is greasy, and you are happy. [LUNCH] It is so hot, and you are so crabby. You have been driving all day in the awful inland heat when you spy it: a huge brick building on the corner of Harbor and Chapman with a sign saying, “Enter a stranger, leave a friend.” A “general mercantile.” The “Mustard Seed.” You smirk, but decide to go in and explore. Anything to get out of the sun that has been beating down on you. You step inside and look at the teas, the angel pendants and the slotted spoons. You notice an alcove with two rocking chairs and a settee, and you gingerly test one out, just to see what it's like, and the high school boy working there says, “Would you like something cold to drink while you take your break?” Break? You? Really? And you're so stunned by the thought of a cold drink while taking a break that you are unable to form the words, “I was just going to test this . . . this . . .” so the boy supplies the rest for you. “That's a chair,” he explains. “It's okay. Go ahead and relax. That's what it's there for.” And you sit, and he brings you an iced tea and arranges a footstool for you, and you slowly come out of your shock and peruse the Register with your feet up as you sip your tea and rock. You look around and notice a dozen tables where people can consume meatloaf and other Americana, a counter where you can actually have a soda-fountain drink, and a sign that says kids 3 and under eat free. You think to yourself that whenever there's a slavish devotion to '50s general mercantilism combined with an almost (okay, no almost about it) Stepfordian politeness and courtesy, there is right-wing rabidity at hand. But you don't care. “Perhaps I will purchase some raspberry garden salsa,” you think. “Or some Hawaiian rainbow peppercorns so that these lovely people can make a profit and continue in this wonderful enchanted place,” for you have entered a stranger, but they have made you a friend, and you are hot and crabby no more. And now the boy says, “I brought you a cookie to try,” and he gives it to you, and there is chocolate in the middle. And it is free. So buy an angel pendant. Or a slotted spoon. From your friends. [DINNER] And then head up the road—just a block!—to Angelo's and Vinci's, which is owned by Steven Peck, who is apparently as crazy as a cupcake, but what do you care? His restaurant is a work of art. Never mind the Monster Wine Cellar (where the monsters are); you are in the Piazza Fantasia, the aching walls of which hold (amid two stories of crammed objets): plaster chefs in alcoves, knights in armor, acrobats strung from the ceiling, a Pierandello on a high wire, ivy, Christmas lights big and small, Christmas stockings and reindeer, hot bread, da Vinci's Madonna and Child with St. Anne, lambs, hams, doves, wine bottles, angels of marble and gold, paintings of Venetian bridges, balconies, turrets, comedy and tragedy masks, and cheese. It is, oh, how do you say? Insane. Also, there is a Romeo and Juliet room, and a second story so you can sit and look down at all the chaos as though you were supping on a balcony in Rome overlooking a particularly loud and busy marketplace that has all been stuck in a blender and frappd. What to order? The chefs' specials look very good but you do not like chicken. Veal? Oh, how you wish you could, but you can't; everyone will look at you funny. A pizza, then. And you can't go wrong there, so you order the quattro formaggio, and it comes, and the goat cheese is tangy, and you are happy. It has been a long day. (Rebecca Schoenkopf) Cal State Fullerton's Pub, 800 N. State College Blvd., (714) 278-2011; The Mustard Seed, 444A N. Harbor Blvd., (714) 871-7444; Angelo's N Vinci's Ristorante, 550 N. Harbor Blvd., (714) 879-4022.
GARDEN GROVE
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[BREAKFAST] Just when it looked as if Garden Grove could finally leave to history the antics of a certain bellowing, red-faced former 46th District congressman, along comes Lilliputian screen legend Billy Barty, whose Memorial Day brody over the handlebars of his electric cart at the city's annual Strawberry Festival seemed certain to restore infamy to the town whose most famous offspring is the Offspring. And breakfast. The people of Garden Grove are blessed by an abundance of breakfast joints—look for an upcoming 400-page issue of the Weekly titled “The Breakfasts of Garden Grove,” or simply sample Kaye's Kitchen on Main Street. The only restaurant around that opens at sunrise, Kaye's boasts the friendliest customers in town, a claim that should probably be asterisked to denote a start time of around 8:30 or 9 a.m., because right now, it's before 6, and from my seat at the counter, no one is looking even remotely affable. But no matter—my senses are soon awakened in a big way as the first cuppa joe kicks in while the ceiling skylight illuminates the friendly confines of a real neighborhood diner, thick with the aroma of bacon and Kaye's Kitchen's incomparable home fries. The thinly sliced spuds—unpeeled, seasoned and fried—complement, um, everything on the menu and possess a certain elegance that is a far cry from the obscenely geometric potato cubes or oily, mangled, slivered and smashed hash browns that accompany breakfast dishes elsewhere. And the best news is that you don't even have to be up before the sun:breakfast is served all day. [LUNCH] Lunch is right around the corner, but it may as well be in Budapest because the fare at International Meats N Deliis about the most authentic Hungarian food to be found without a passport. I'm taking it to go because the joint's lone table is occupied by a trio of suits from Garden Grove Unified's district office across the street. The guy behind the counter is proprietor Marie Teglas' son Zoli, who is also the bassist for the punk band Ignite and whose impressive knowledge of Hungarian cuisine makes him far cooler than any other OC punks I know. He suggests I go native for lunch, eating as they do in Eastern Europe—smorgasbord-style meats, cheeses and breads. It sounds like a good plan, but there's no way I'm going anywhere near that Hungarian headcheese, so I order some kolbasz, which is one of six different kinds of handmade sausages available. Teglas informs me that I chose wisely, that his mother just sent out 60 pounds of the stuff at the request of a Hungarian scientist working at the North Pole. Excellent. It ought to make great cold leftovers. [DINNER] It's back to Main Street for Mexican at Azteca. But not too hasty: it's Friday night—cruise night in Garden Grove—and Main is lined with shimmering antique automobiles and their shimmering antique owners, bedecked in car-club jackets and perched in lawn chairs next to their babies. And though discussing manifolds and cams with a guy sporting a pack of smokes rolled into his T-shirt sleeve is normally my idea of a great Friday night, talking tacos with a guy in a Guayabera is more my style tonight, so I'm Azteca-bound. As far as Azteca goes, let me offer two words: “garlic” and “taco”—beef tacos with all the usual fixin's but flavored with fresh garlic and lime. The garlic hits first, of course, but it's the citrus that finishes each bite. They are two seemingly disparate flavors somehow so in concert that it's a good thing there are two tacos on the platter: I needed the second to confirm that the first was for real. And one cannot leave Azteca without visiting the Crooner's Lounge, a bar appointed with the most impressive Elvis-memorabilia collection this side of Graceland. The walls are fat with the stuff. (Tim Meltreger) Kaye's Kitchen, 12939 Main St., (714) 636-1480; International Meats and Deli, 10382 Stanford Ave., (714) 539-6334; Azteca, 12911 Main St., (714) 638-3790.
HUNTINGTON BEACH
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[BREAKFAST] The Sugar Shack Cafe slings good hash. And pancakes. And eggs. They could sling it onto Main Street and hit some punk kids if they wanted to. The patio extends to the main drag, making it a perfect place for morning hangover relief. As a special bonus, there's the chance of running into that hotty from last night while you were dancing on the bar with your skirt over your head. (Not me. You.) Anyway, you can find breakfast served up like your mom used to—literally. The owner has pictures of her blond tykes on the wall, along with Holly Hobbie and Jesus. So it really is just like when your mom made you eggs and pancakes. If you ask, the owner may even cut up your food for you, crosshatching it the way your mom did. But you'll have to clean up your room when you get home. [LUNCH] I always judge a beachy little hole-in-the-wall Mexican food stand by the number of cute surfer boys patronizing the joint. Surfers know their Mexican food. And surfers in Huntington Beach seem to know that Las Barcas serves up the grub. And not only do they eat there, but they also autograph pictures and hang them on the walls amid tacky Tijuana-border baubles. Not that I'm complaining. Who complains about cute surfer boys? I like them as much as I like seeing a big “No Lard” sign in the window. Mmm, lard. Or wait—I mean, yuck, lard! I immediately got busy scarfing down a vegetarian burrito in a handmade tortilla that was still soft and fluffy. And I love a place that gives you a big honkin' dollop of guacamole. Mmmm, guacamole. And my lunch companion's chicken soft tacos looked like miniature burritos. We both left fat and happy. [DINNER] While munching down our vegetarian spring rolls, which were made special off the Silk Thai menu, we noticed pictures of Thailand's king and queen looming above us, watching our every bite. I impressed my date with my knowledge of Thailand—he didn't even know they had royalty—making me seem worldly. But actually, I just used to work with a guy whose dad worked for the king of Thailand. Which used to be called Siam. We ate like royalty, slurping down pad Thai noodles with shrimp and chicken and stir-fried vegetables with crunchy cashew nuts—not too heavy or greasy. My date, a feng shui expert, informed me that nothing in the restaurant's decorative scheme complements anything else. And, the THANK YOU sign is too big. “But I like that,” he said. “It makes me feel like they're really happy I'm here.” Uh, okay. And they really were thankful. They told us so—many, many times. Cool tip: if you're on a date and in the mood for romance, go after 8:45 p.m. That is when our lights suddenly dimmed and I thought we were having a power outage. And in the shadows, the dcor isn't so ugly. Well, yeah, it is. (Arrissia Owen) Sugar Shack Cafe, 213 1/2 Main St., (714) 536-0355; Las Barcas, 21032 Beach Blvd., (714) 536-2616; Silk Thai Cuisine, 19690 Beach Blvd., (714) 964-1151.
IRVINE
[BREAKFAST] While Irvine's power brokers—its water district and school district officials and real-estate tycoons—are spitting out bits of toast and empty threats over the fine, faux-French vittles at Mimi's Caf, we're down the street sitting outside the diminutive Champagne French Bakery and Caf, sipping at a double espresso and porking out on two eggs any style (which means scrambled, for us) avec delicate seasoned potatoes. Occasionally, when we haven't been scared into dietary submission by the ads in the back of the Weekly, we eat dessert after breakfast and continue reading a novel (at the moment, we're working on Black Like Me), which could take us clear up to lunch time and Champagne's very fine vegetarian ratatouille (topped with Swiss), but we've got to move on to . . . [LUNCH] Which we take at Clay Oven, sometime between 11:30 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. There are a number of fine Indian joints around town, but we're on an expense account this day and don't feel like dining amidst something decorated from tips in Build an Indian Joint that Looks Remarkably Like a 7-Eleven. Hence, Clay Oven—a soothing, dark, somehow Victorian place. We stayed away from Clay Oven for a few weeks last spring when the Indians tested a nuclear fucking bomb. But then the Pakistanis tested one of their own, and we figured, “Yes, it's the land of Gandhi, but the neighborhood's no ashram.” We wash down the succulent tandoori chicken (we've sworn off swordfish, thanks to warnings that the planet's swordfish numbers are dwindling faster than open space in Orange County) with a cool glass of sweet lassi (which we order as “Highly So Lassi” from a waiter who doesn't get the joke but brings us the beverage anyhow—and naan too soon). We once saw LA Times political writer Robert Scheer dining here with former Irvine politico Larry Agran. [DINNER] Where else but Vessia Ristorante, Irvine's finest fine-dining experience? On one recent occasion, we saw OC Republican Hugh Hewitt, dressed like the Monopoly Man—just back from the Emmys, it turns out, where his KCET public-affairs show Life N Times was skunked, but none the worse for the skunking. High ceilings, tall windows and a fine bar. We ordered braciole alla barese (pancetta, garlic and pecorino cheese rolled into a tender hunk of flank steak) and the ab-fab rotolo di spinaci, a lasagna-like wheel o' ricotta and spinach that tastes wonderfully like Christmas (could be nutmeg). Off to Steelhead Micro Brewery for a night of tongue-thickening beer. (Will Swaim) Champagne French Bakery and Caf, 4628 Barranca Pkwy., (949) 653-6828; Clay Oven, 15435 Jeffrey Rd., Ste. 116, (949) 552-2851; Vessia Ristorante, 3966 Barranca Pkwy., Ste. B, (949) 654-1155; Steelhead Micro Brewery, 4175 Campus Dr., (949) 856-2227.
LAGUNA BEACH
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[BREAKFAST] Tourists in Orange County's finest city prefer the Cottage on PCH near the town's main beach and art museum. The well-established restaurant for good greasy bacon and eggs always seems to have a waiting line of overly dressed and impatient out-of-towners. But the spot for locals in the know is right next door at Madison Square N Garden Cafe. Diners place their orders at a counter inside a converted Craftsman-style house, which also doubles as an upscale garden-supply and furnishings store. All tables are outside in a tastefully landscaped garden that is as consistently peaceful as the Cottage is noisy. Get the overstuffed breakfast burrito or the fresh-berry-topped apple pancakes. [LUNCH] Forget about the dozen or so snotty places in Laguna where you pay $20 to $25 per person for lunch. At Taco Loco, you can feast for about $5 without the insult of fast-food taste. Whether it's the delicious la carte Mexican food or the cheap prices, the place is constantly swarming with the beautiful surfing crowd. How hip is it? An agent for MTV's Real World was once spotted here, searching the crowd for candidates for their hit TV show. Just don't ask anyone to tell you what NATO's acronym stands for. Or where Kosovo is. They won't know or care—and that's okay when you're unwinding with a fish taco and a beer. [DINNER] You wouldn't know it from the outside, but Caf Zoolu is arguably this town's best dining establishment. Located one block from PCH, across the street from a Circle K, and between a bank and a gym, this cozy restaurant packs the house night after night, year after year. If you go without reservations (as we do), you'll probably end up sitting at the bar, but that's okay. From that perch, you can sit in awe as the chef skillfully prepares each dish on the grill. If you're into seafood, go for the jumbo-sized swordfish. Expect to empty your wallet or purse, but Caf Zoolu is one of the few places in OC worth every penny of it. (RSM) Madison Square N Garden Caf, 320 N. Coast Hwy., (949) 494-0137; Taco Loco, 640 S. Coast Hwy., (949) 497-1635; Caf Zoolu, 860 Glenneyre St., (949) 494-6825.
LAGUNA HILLS
[BREAKFAST] For late risers like me, the best breakfast spots are those that serve pancakes and eggs all day long. If it weren't for places like P.J. Bernstein's, we'd never make it in time for their “French Toast Our Way,” which is made with thick, fluffy slices of egg bread. In fact, this restaurant/delicatessen/ bakery even has early birds covered with such potentially frightening brunch hybrids as their classic Rueben omelet (no kidding: sauerkraut and everything). They even span generation gaps. My Jewish grandma, Ethel, would find as much to her liking as my youngest sister, Sara. This appeal makes sense, since Leisure World is mere minutes away. Five TV sets surround the main dining room (why is it that New York deli-type places feel compelled to fill their walls with Broadway musical posters?) and provide distractions for boring family get-togethers. [LUNCH] With Natraj Cuisine of India's fabulous buffet (the wisest way to eat Indian food), you could conceivably skip breakfast and maybe dinner. The restaurant's garlicky naan goes well with whatever the day's selection of spicy dishes are. Vegetarian dishes (spinach, eggplant and so on) make up the majority of the buffet menu. Located in a once-thriving shopping center now spotted with vacancies, Natraj still draws customers after almost 10 years. [DINNER] If you're lucky, you'll come to Athena's Fine Greek N Mediterranean Cuisineon a night when an elderly gentleman toys with his electronic keyboard and sings Greek songs on the restaurant's tiny stage. I have little idea what he's singing about or if they're his own creations, but, boy, does that old guy jam. Owner Avo Kilicarslan, an Armenian from Instanbul, serves up dishes from Armenia as well as the Mediterranean region. If you're in a party of two or more on a Sunday through Thursday night, the family-style dinner ($14.99 per person) is the way to go. Along with your choice of one of nine entres (the grilled, finely ground lamb patties are delicious), you get three appetizers (dolmades, hoummous and eggplant in a garlic-tomato sauce), a dinner salad with very lemony dressing, rice, vegetables, pita bread and not-too-sticky baklava. Sip a little anise-flavored ouzo (a before- and after-dinner liquor, according to the plastic card-holder thingie on the table), and you're set! (AB) P.J. Bernstein's, 25211 Paseo de Alicia, (949) 472-2266; Natraj Cuisine of India, 24861 Alicia Pkwy., (949) 581-4200; Athena's Fine Greek N Mediterranean Cuisine, 24351 Avenida de la Carlota, Ste. N 6-8, (949) 699-2700.
LAGUNA NIGUEL
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[BREAKFAST] Go to Mollie's Country Kitchen for their Mexican breakfasts. You read correctly: order their huevos rancheros, breakfast burritos, whatever. . . . It's all good. Owners Olivia and Antonio Jimenez have made Mollie's theLaguna Niguel breakfast spot, drawing in everyone from tennis-outfitted housewives to truck drivers during their more than 15 years of business (for this area, that's an eternity). And Mollie's has everything you'd associate with an establishment that calls itself a “country kitchen”: flowery wallpaper, ceramic chickens, fluffy pancakes, biscuits and gravy, and friendly waitresses. [LUNCH] One of my fondest food memories is eating at Apple a Day Health Food N Sandwich Barwhen I was a kid. I recently returned to Apple a Day to see if they still had the same yummy food—and they do. Of course there have been some changes to their menu, but they still have the same one-two combo that made their sandwiches so great: it's “The Works,” an alliance of sprouts, shredded Jack cheese, sunflower seeds, a little mayo and wannabe-bacon soy bits. Such sandwiches as the tuna, egg salad and Valley avocado have the privilege of coming with The Works, and you also get a choice of fruit or salad on the side. My recommendation: go for the salad with honey-sesame dressing and wash it all down with a strawberry-banana smoothie. [DINNER] With so many cutesy Thai restaurant names (Thai This, King N I), Thai Diningis refreshingly candid. The straightforward name isn't indicative of the restaurant's interior or food. Pink is the operative color scheme. Helpful photos of many of the dishes are posted not only in the window but also in the menu. Start with their tom kah gai soup, a creamy, flavorful offering of the popular Thai chicken-coconut soup. While their pad Thai rates a pretty good on my highly selective pad Thai scale (George's Thai Bistro in Santa Ana is still tops), their beef panang rates pretty high on my beef panang scale. If your food doesn't make you sweat enough, ask your server for a spice-condiment caddy. (AB) Mollie's Country Kitchen, 27932 La Paz Rd., (949) 643-9174; Apple a Day Health Food N Sandwich Bar, 30262 Crown Valley Pkwy., Ste. A, (949) 495-3250; Thai Dining, 28051 Greenfield Dr., Ste. J, (949) 643-5521.
