I gotta be honest: I have a love/hate relationship with Thanksgiving.
On the one hand, it's my vegetarian anniversary. I gave up meat on Thanksgiving 1997, which, for all you math failures, means this year marks the 14th Thanksgiving in a row since I've eaten meat. For that, I am excited and proud. It was supposed to be nothing but a one-day protest and now here I am, a total hippie food guy who eats a primarily raw diet.
On the other, Thanksgiving generally includes in two of my least favorite things: meat eating and gluttony. I don't like meat and I really don't like the idea of people stuffing their faces just because they can. I was a fat kid, so I know all about this. Thankfully, I have changed my ways as an adult.
Anyway, Thanksgiving is usually a strange day for me. Sure, I want to be around family and friends, but not if I have to watch a dead bird get cooked and then eaten in front of me. So this year, I think I'll stay home, drop some acid (just kidding) and pretend that these 10 vegetarian musicians (in no particular order) are in my dining room eating the raisins, lemon almonds and Asian pears I bought from the farmers market.
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1. Adam “MCA” Yauch
The Beastie Boys were my favorite band in middle school and were the second concert I ever went to. I still love these guys and I'd definitely ask MCA to elaborate on his thoughts about his veganism and how he thinks it helped beat his cancer. Then I'd ask him if I could join his group. I'm sure he'd say no, but as long as he passed the vegan stuffing, he could totally stay at the adults' table.
2. Bill Ward
The Black Sabbath drummer has (reportedly) lived in Seal Beach for a while, so this might not be too much of a stretch. For starters, we'd talk about how much ass he kicks on this live version of “War Pigs.” For dessert, we'd discuss the ass he's kicking on this live version of “N.I.B.” before wondering aloud why more metal skinsmen can't swing like he can.
3. Andre 3000
Dude dresses cool and eats even cooler. We'd probably share pumpkin pie recipes before I just totally bust out singing “Hey Ya!” in front of his face. But Mr. 3000 comes off pretty decent in interviews, so I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
4. Prince
That's right, mofos — Prince. I don't care how much you love meat and how much he'd complain about your meal (cuz you know he would). You know you want Prince at Thanksgiving. I mean, he's just gotta show up with some purple silverware and matching plates (because I guarantee Prince travels with his own utensils). I would say nothing to Prince because nothing I could say to Prince would be worthy. Instead, I'd look down at my plate of corn, take deep breaths and try to quit telling myself, “OH MY FUCKING GOD! PRINCE IS AT MY DINNER TABLE!”
5. “Weird Al” Yankovic
What would I talk to “Weird Al” about? A better question might be, what wouldn't I talk to “Weird Al” about? First question: “Al, sir, in ten words or less, please tell me how and why your 1989 film UHF is the greatest movie in the history of all time.”
6. Matt Skiba
Look, I'm totally straight. Like, 300 percent. I can't even see what the big deal is about George Clooney or Brad Pitt. That said, I'd sit the Alkaline Trio singer/guitarist at the opposite end of the table and stare deep into his eyes, wishing he would hold me like a baby while singing “Bleeder.”
7. Erykah Badu
Once I realized my love with Matt Skiba wasn't happening, I'd regain my composure, look at Badu and move my head to the side as if to say, “Can you believe Prince is here?” Since I'm totally lame, I'm sure she wouldn't believe it. Then she'd ask when dinner was over because she probably would have a hair appointment in the morning.
8. Greg Ginn
The SST Records founder/avant garde guitarist loves cats even more than I do, so I'm sure we'd probably just sit back, have a glass of syrah and talk pussy.
9. Paul McCartney
Since I'm dreaming, I might as well go to the top of the mountain, right? I mean, even Prince would be like, “Damn. Paul McCartney's here.”
10. Morrissey
Last but not least is Moz. I put him last because, from what I can tell, the British singer has an opinion about everything. He'd sit back, all pouty and shit, complaining that I overcooked the Tofurkey or that my cranberry sauce was too bland. Then I'd stand up, thank my guests for coming, begin a toast and say, “Folks, now is the time when we let Morrissey tell us why we suck.”
It'd go something like this: “MCA, License to Ill is overrated. Bill Ward, you're no John Bonham. Andre 3000, who are you? Prince? More like pauper. “Weird Al,” who invited you? I thought this dinner was for celebrities. Matt Skiba, thanks for coming and making “Weird Al” feel like he's famous. Erykah Badu, pick a hairstyle. I've had the same one since the '80s and it's worked for me. Greg Ginn, I was more famous than you in the '80s and I'm more famous than you now. Paul McCartney, your one-legged ex-wife took all your money and you still have the nerve to complain about Yoko?”
