Donald Trump is a yuge fan of theater! Just tremendous! It's true! Just check out his Tweets Nov. 19 after the cast of Hamilton ended its show on Broadway the night before with an appeal to vice president-elect Mike Pence, who was in attendance, to not deport them. Trump got mad and said it was out of line for the cast to address Pence because the theater should be a “safe and special place.”
Yes, it should. For rich, white folks who largely support it. So, with that in mind, we asked Herr Trump to be our guest analyst for our always highly anticipated round-up of OC holiday plays. So . . . away, we go. (But before we go, a shout-out to the one local theater not doing a holiday-themed play next month: the Newport Theatre Arts Center, which is staging God of Carnage through Dec. 11. Also, while the Reverend Slappy White says that his intense fear of anything white has driven him underground, meaning there will be no A Dolt's Only Xma$ Pageant this year, word on the street is that if he can acquire enough medical-grade sedatives, the troops may rally to do a post-inauguration hangover evening of music, theater and poetry on Thursday, Jan. 26 at the Maverick Theater in Fullerton. The working title is Hey, Donald Trump, We Wrote You a Play: It's Called Go Fuck Yourself.)
A Christmas Carol. At least three OC theaters are doing some version of Charles Dickens' timeless tale about the miserly Ebenezer Scrooge. Trump's take: He says he can relate to Scrooge because “part of my beauty is that I am very rich.” But what about the crippled kid, Donald? “Nobody gives more money to Americans with—you know, the Americans with Disabilities Act—big act. I give tens and tens of millions of dollars, and I'm proud of doing it. I don't mock people that have problems.” Stagedoor Repertory Theatre, 1045 N. Armando Dr., Anaheim, (714) 630-7378; www.stagedoorrep.org. Dec. 3-17. $17-$20; Mysterium Theater, 311 S. Euclid Ave., La Habra, (562) 697-3311; www.mysteriumtheater.com. Through Dec. 18. $15-$25; South Coast Repertory, 655 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 708-5555; www.scr.org. Opens Fri. Through Dec. 24. $28-$72.
The Eight: Reindeer Monologues. This more mature take on Santa and his four-legged friends has been staged for more than 10 years, and it's always racy and randy and a good time. Trump's take: He likes to grab reindeers right on their hot, little red noses because “I can do that. I'm famous.” Chance Theater, 5522 E. La Palma Ave., Anaheim, (888) 455-5512; www.chancetheater.com. Dec. 8-23. $35; $15 rush tickets available one hour prior to show time.
Elf Jr. The Musical. Not sure if this is the musical version of the film, or if it's a shortened children's version of it, but we know elves tend to be short-statured. Trump's take: “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well-documented, are various other parts of my body.” Attic Community Theater, 2834 S. Fairview, Santa Ana, (714) 662-2525; www.atticcommunitytheater.weebly.com. Dec. 1-18. $15-$25.
It's a Wonderful Life: A Live Radio Play. Yes, it's a live-read radio play based on the classic movie. What else do you need to know? Trump's take: “For a man to be successful, he needs support at home, just like my father had from my mother, not someone who is always griping and bitching.” STAGEStheatre, 400 E. Commonwealth Ave., Fullerton, (714) 525-4484. Opens Fri. Through Dec. 18. $18-$20. www.stagesoc.org.
Little Women. The Chancers bring back this staged version of the musicalized version of the evergreen classic written by a woman who didn't write A Little House On the Prairie. Trump's take: “No one has more respect for women than I do. No one.” Do you like little women, though? “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10.” Chance Theater, (888) 455-5512; chancetheater.com. Opens Fri. Through Dec. 23. $35-$45.
The Nutcracker. American Ballet Theatre stages the Russian ballet. Trump's take: “I have a great relationship with the blacks.” Segerstrom Center for the Arts, 600 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 556-2121; www.scfta.org. Dec. 9-18. $29-$299.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. This production, based on an inter-planetary conflict between Earthlings and Martians, always sells out. Trump's take: “I will be so good at the military your head will spin.” Maverick Theater, 110 E. Walnut, Fullerton, (714) 526-7070; www.mavericktheater.com. Opens Sat. Through Dec. 23. $12-$22.
Theatre Out's Big Gay Broadway Holiday Spectacular. The killer title pretty much says it all. Trump's take: “I know many, many gay people. Tremendous people. And to be honest with you, as far as civil unions are concerned, I haven't totally formed my opinion. But there can be no discrimination against gays. I'm against gay marriage.” (Yes, those words, in that order, actually came out of that turd's mouth.) Theatre Out, 402 W. Fourth St., Santa Ana; www.theatreout.com. Dec. 2-11. $15.
Joel Beers has written about theater and other stuff for this infernal rag since its very first issue in, when was that again???