UPDATE: The jury made its ruling today (see end of post) . . .
Irvine Co. chairman Don Bren is suffering the indignity of sitting in a Los Angeles courtroom and even–horror of all horrors!–testifying in the lawsuit brought by the multibillionaire's ex-lover/passing-acquaintance Jennifer Gold, who seeks $134 million in back child support for their two children, Christie Bren, 22, and David Bren, 18.
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What races through the mind of Newport Beach's largely reclusive 78-year-old real estate mogul as he puts up this bull-pucky?
- “Jeeeeeezus frigging Christ, $134 million!?! How's a man supposed to live on $11,866,000,000 in this economy!?!”
- “Oh, that's Christie and David. I thought I was here for the Nigerians.”
- “Sure, $400,000 a month for these kids is what I burn in loose bills to light cigars, but it's the principle of the thing.”
- “Hey, didn't I already buy this judge?”
- “This courthouse and every goddamn building for 30 blocks sure would look better if they were all identical and beige.”
- “I gotta find a new place for lunch. That baby tears pudding at Le Dome yesterday made me gassy.”
- “Jen's held up well for 55. If it didn't break my rule that my lady friends be no more than half my age, I'd still nail her.”
- “That reminds me: better check the mileage on Brigitte, may be new wifey time.”
- “Betcha Buffet doesn't go through this crap.”
- “Oofah! I hadn't seen Jen from that angle before. Yiiiiikes! That reminds me: I've got a 2:30 rat poison injection appointment with Dr. Lee.”
- “Damn, I can't tell if that bailiff is a dude or a chick.”
- “I'd still nail him or her.”
- “Fucking Obama!”
UPDATE: The jury in Los Angeles ruled today that Bren does not have to pay additional child support for Christie and David Bren. The ruling maintain's the mega-developers amazing string of decisions that ensure Donny gets whatever Donny wants.

OC Weekly Editor-in-Chief Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the alternative newsweekly’s first calendar editor.