Through nearly a half-century of intensive, firsthand study and application, I've come to consider myself an authority on the art of repulsing fellow human beings with my body, and of all the parts from which to glean junior hijinks gratification, the scrotum is unquestionably both the most useful and versatile. While it doesn't lend itself to snot-cannon competition like the venerable meat whistle, cannot clear a room as swiftly and comprehensively when exhibited and/or employed as the coughing purple starfish, doesn't present prospects for hours of rewarding excavation as do the nosary-snouffers, and can't produce a functionally practical substance such as otic polish or optic glue, the chicken-skinned sheathing of man's crotch potatoes nonetheless provides an inexhaustible wealth of mirth and merriment for all who come to appreciate its winsome wonders.
While space limitations preclude a comprehensive discussion of the yuks and chortles potentially yielded by the variety of scrotal stunts a professional sac manipulator such as myself has learned to terrorize the citizenry with*, consider the following a primer for gonadal greenhorns. Be patient, work hard, and your body, too, can be transformed into a veritable temple of disgust!
Jim Rose, call me. I'm ready to go to work.
BUBBLEGUM ON THE BARBERSHOP FLOOR
This one's a cinch, even for beginners: simply unzip the fly, dive in and pull out a length of man-taffy. Stretch the bolus as far as possible (really, its marvelously lithe) and display to horrified onlookers. The title of this trick, along with your lovely pink coloration and wealth of southern whiskers, will put witnesses off chewing Bazooka for weeks, guaranteed.
THE PRESSED FRUITBOWL
Another relatively easy one, but this can present logistical difficulties for fat guys such as myself whose torsal bloat can get in the way of 100 percent success. Anyway, get a friend to drive you around a heavily populated quarter, then simply drop trou and squash the silly putty against a window. Voila! Spectators will never look at citrus quite the same way again.
THE COIN PURSE
Potentially painful but ultimately well-worth the discomfort, this one is for intermediately skilled plum pranksters. Unzip thyself and hang the full quivering jello district from your pants. Zip back up as tightly as possible until the parcel is throbbing and pulsating like a baby's brain (this works to best effect in cold climates). Strut the streets nonchalantly, and be sure to have a co-conspirator on hand to videotape the stunned reactions of innocent bystanders.
FRUMUNDA CHEESE
A classic! Aggressively scrape the 'taint with your fingernail and squeeze the collected personal residue onto your fingertips; spread about liberally. Walk up behind an unsuspecting Republican and place “tainted” finger directly under their nose. When they turn around and scream, “What the fuck?!?!” emit a triumphant yell of “Frumunda Cheese!” and launch into gales of satisfied guffaws as the prey launches their lunch into orbit.
THE VIRTUAL
GIRL-MOUND
Long a fave among amateur high school athletes and professional trannies the world over, this can also be learned by any patient male willing to endure hours of intensive practice and resultant regional tenderness. Get naked and tuck your entire package—Mr. Johnson and all—between the thighs, close the legs as tightly as possible, parade about while effecting exaggerated drag-queen mannerisms. Richard Simmons taught me this one back in 1978, and my wife still hates his guts for it.
—Buddy Seigal
NEXT TIME:
“Eggs Over Easy,” “Rutabaga-Flossing,” “Peach Meringue Pudding,” “Poodle In My Trousers” and “Play-Dough Surprise.”
DISCLAIMERS:
1.) Don't try any of these tricks in Red States or you may, by law, be subject to hanging and/or being dragged from the back of pickup trucks.
2.) If you're a Negro, the titles of the first three stunts must be changed to “Chewed Grape Gumballs on the Barbershop Floor,” “Kiwi Harvest Time” and “Coconut Grove,” respectively.
3.) When applied in the presence of gay males, reactions to stunts may vary from mere annoyance or boredom to actual pleasure; however, when practiced in the presence of lesbians, beware of incoming boots, fists and knives.
