[Editor's Note: Quick Questions is our semi-regular feature where we ask comedians a ton of random questions without giving them time to think of anything funny to say. Surprisingly, they still do.]
Brothers might come from the same parents but their brains can be completely different. As they should be. When you come from a family with the last name Wayans though, well it's been proven that brain is bound to come up some hilarity. With an upcoming stint at the Brea Improv June 12th through 15th, we knew these funny boys wouldn't let us down when we decided to hit them with up separately with a few “rapid fire” questions to see how these two brothers really matched up.
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If you could trade places with anyone for one day, who would it be?
Shawn: I guess Bill Gates for a day might be fun. But I wouldn't want to stay him because I like what I've got.
Marlon: Hmmm that's interesting. I'd trade places with Jay-Z because I want to spend his money and use his penis to bang his wife. But it'd really be me in there. Not only would I bang his wife, I'd bang her crazy sister too because there is some perverted shit that goes on in my mind! I think Solange has to be good in bed. Anyone with wild emotions like that or people who are certifiably crazy…it really means they are wild in bed. Trust me on this! Every girl that ever tried to light my house on fire was good in bed.
If you were on death row, what would you pick as your last meal?
Shawn: Something that would make me shit for so long, it would flood the room. I'd have Raisin Bran, I'd eat prunes, spoiled eggs, and flax seed. I'd have one big shit meal that would run down the electric chair like lava. I'd make them have to clean up so much fucking mess they'd would think twice about killing my ass! They'd slip and break their neck on my fucking shit. I'd go out with a pfffffttttttt!
Marlon: Ohhh something light so if I shit myself it wouldn't be too bad. Probably a salad.
Honestly, when was the last time you checked your Myspace?
Shawn: I don't even know if I have a Myspace. Is that still around? I don't even know how to log on that anymore.
Marlon: It was when Justin Timberlake bought it. I just looked at it then and like, yep, this is still some bullshit!
Would you rather: live without TV for a lifetime or without radio?
Shawn: Well here's my question, would I still be able to listen to music? If I could have CD's or Pandora, I could do without either of them because of the way they're programmed today. But, if I could still watch the TV shows or movies I wanted to watch on Netflix, I'm good. I've seen enough reality TV and news…I know how it all ends.
Marlon: Radio because I can play the radio on the TV. Actually, I could do without either as long as I have my Internet.
What is one question that you get asked repeatedly and you hate it?
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Shawn: This one, it drives me crazy. [Laughs.] No it's, “What was it like growing up in a house with 10 kids?” It's a dead question. We've been answering it forever and we keep trying to search for new ways to say, it was great and fun.
Marlon: “How is it to work with your family?” I've heard that question so much, I'm starting to hate my family.
What is the best concert and the worst concert you have ever been to?
Shawn: I'm a big Jay-Z fan so I believe that is up there with the best. The worst concert was taking my kids to see the Wiggles. That one gave me a headache.
Marlon: The best concert I've ever been to in my life was Eddie Murphy “Raw” because I was eleven and he was saying shit that you're just not supposed to say and I was hurting! He was talking about sex and I had never had sex at eleven, but I would! I wanted to rob him for his leather outfit. The worst concert was Justin Bieber. It wasn't that he was bad, I think I'm just thinking about him because he did that nigga joke. [Laughs.] So now I'm just hating. Also to hear 20,000 eleven year-olds screaming orgasmically I was just thinking, kill me. They made this high pitched sound that only dogs and parents could hear.
Justin Bieber. Keep him here or send him back to Canada?
Shawn: I like Justin Bieber. He's the fuck-up we need right now. I think we keep him, why not? He's just a kid growing up with a dad that's growing up with him. Justin Bieber is me and my dad in Don't Be a Menace! [Laughs.] His dad is probably like, “Hey son, don't be doing no drugs unless I get to hit that shit first!”
Marlon: Send him to the hood and let him do those nigga jokes. Let him do an hour of nigga jokes! [Laughs.]
What is your preferred method of handling a heckler?
Shawn: Expose him for whatever he is. If he's ugly or dumb, whatever he is I bring it out to the light. Then I say the most evil shit I can think of at that time. It might not even be funny but it's going to be so mean, you'll never heckle anybody again!
Marlon: Crush their ass and then kick them out of the show.
What was your favorite cartoon as a kid?
Shawn: Probably The Smurfs.
Marlon: The Smurfs, Josie and the Pussycats…there were a lot. Depends if we're talking about the ones I used to masturbate to or just the regular ones.
Is there anything you consider off limits when it comes to joking?
Shawn: No, not really. The only thing that is off limits is something that's not really funny. It all varies. I know that timing has a lot to do with it too because something that might not be funny today, because it's “too soon,” will be hysterical a few months from now.
Marlon: No. I think you can take a stab at anything. I realized something and that is, I'm going to offend people. And that's OK as long as the people who love me are laughing.
If you could go on a road trip with any one dead or alive, who would you go with?
Shawn: I would go with my brother, Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, and Jerry Seinfeld. All of the comedians that I love and think are funny, I'd love to be in a car with them. I'd have to take a bus! We'd make each other sick laughing.
Marlon: My kids! I just really like to hang out and spend time with them. There is nothing that they can say that I'm not interested in. Their mama can sit her ass at home though! [Laughs.]
Have you ever laughed so hard that you pissed yourself?
Shawn: Actually I have. The first time I saw my brother do Handi-man I fell on the floor and I literally pissed myself. It was to the point of where he had to mop it up after. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I was twelve I think.
Marlon: Absolutely! When Damon first did Handi-man I pissed all over. And of course Shawn said that. He has a very weak bladder. He'll just keep pissing.
What's the thing you miss most about being a kid?
Shawn: The ability to not give a fuck about anything because it's not your problem. I miss not having any adult issues. When you're a kid, you don't have rent, you don't have baby mamas, you don't have taxes, and you don't have shit to think about except for getting up and playing all day. Eating your vegetables was probably the most stressful thing you had to deal with!
Marlon: Not having bills or worries. The most I would worry about then was falling and crying.
Do you have any regrets in life?
Shawn: Not really. I have no regrets. I'm happy, I'm good!
Marlon: None.
What's next for you?
Shawn: Well this show in Brea of course and then the following week, Keenen, Damon, Marlon and I are at the Fantasy Springs Casino in Indio. I'm really excited about that because it's something that we haven't really done before. We haven't been all working together for like 20 years so this is exciting!
Marlon: “Funniest Wins,” which is my reality competition comedy show. We're going to try to find comedians that can do sketch, stand-up, musical parody, roasting…we're going to challenge them in every factor of comedy. That's going to be on TBS June 20th at 10pm.
Check out Shawn and Marlon Wayans at the Brea Improv June 12th through 15th, 120 South Brea Blvd. Brea, CA 92821. (714) 482-0700. For tickets go to www.Improv.com. You can also grab tickets on www.FantasySpringsResort.com for their show at Fantasy Springs Casino along with Damon and Keenen. For more info, follow Shawn on Twitter @Shawn_Wayans and check out Marlon's Facebook, Instagram, and follow him on Twitter @MarlonWayans.
See also:
Steve-O Found a Way to Work Manginas Into His Stand-Up Comedy
10 Douchiest Guitarists of All Time
10 Douchiest Drummers of All Time
Follow us on Twitter @OCWeeklyMusic and like us on Facebook at Heard Mentality and follow the author on Twitter @AliNotAlli.
Ali Lerman knows much about comedy, basketball, and celebrating Wu-Tang Wednesday. She’s been writing for sixteen years and still calls her mom with grammatical questions.
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