Why Are Mexicans Afraid of Earthquakes?

DEAR MEXICAN: We Americans have been spoiled by such low costs for so long that we have started acting as if they were our birthright, which explains why our government leaders have never been in any real hurry to do anything significant about our southern borders. Now, many spoiled, control-freak Americans are throwing temper tantrums over this issue without thinking ahead. Careful, sometimes you WILL get what you ask for, only to end up wishing you'd just kept your greedy, selfish little mouth shut. Surely, someone has done a legitimate impact study of the volume and variety of the lowered costs we Americans enjoy on a daily basis, because our government's playing the “indulgent uncle” on the issue of illegals from Mexico.

Conservative, But Not Crazy

DEAR GABACHO: Oh, there are as many studies about the impact of undocumented folks on the economy as there are Mexicans who say their grandpa rode with Pancho Villa. Of course, almost all of those reports are biased bullshit, whether from the left (anything produced by Latino congressmen) or the right (I'm looking at you, hateful Federation for American Immigration Reform—was it someone from your crew or another of your Know Nothing think tank ilk who, after Kim Pham was tragically killed, wanted to know if the perp was an “illegal alien savage”?). Hewing to the middle ground, alas, are the feds: They say that if we don't legalize undocumented folks, we'll lose $80 billion in unrealized gains by 2023, deficits will increase by $50 billion, and Social Security won't get the $50 billion illegals could contribute if only they were legal. Of course, a Communist Kenyan runs the White House, so that report is also invalid. The truthful answer? What your humble Mexican says: #fuckthehaters.

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DEAR MEXICAN: Why are Mexicans so afraid of earthquakes? (George Lopez's television show even based an episode on this topic.) Don't you people know that here in the USA, we have something called “building standards”? (Unlike the adobe and Play-Doh used in Mexico for construction.) After the last big Northridge quake, you panochas were so afraid of being indoors that you made the local parks look like a Mexican Woodstock!

Panocha Lover In Huntington Beach

DEAR PENDEJO: Can we start with you using panocha (“pussy,” for those who don't habla) as a slur? You had a great question that I now won't answer because of your stupidity. Anyone who uses the word as a synonym for cowardice obviously can't get any. You want to call a Mexican a coward? Call him “Enrique Peña Nieto”—or “Donald Trump,” if you're feeling particularly ruthless. Better yet, “Panocho Lover In Huntington Beach.”

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BORDERTOWN PREMIERE DATE! Gentle cabrones, I'm excited to announce that Bordertown, the animated FOX show that's like a Mexican second-cousin marriage of Family Guy and Bob's Burgers and on which I served as consulting producer, will have its debut Jan. 3 at 9:30 p.m.! The Mexican will screen the pilot episode on Thursday, Dec. 3, 6:30 p.m. at the Santa Ana Library, 26 Civic Center Plaza, Santa Ana, (714) 647-5250. FREE! And make sure to watch it live and set your DVR—but please DO NOT pirate the show . . . until Season 4, at least. Tune in and join the #televisionreconquista!