Four Things to Do Instead of Seeing U2

Surely you've heard of U2, which means I don't need to tell you who they are. If you don't, there's this thing called Google. Give it a shot.

Anyway, this band U2 is playing tonight and Saturday at Angel Stadium of Anaheim and lots of yuppies who go to one concert every four years are very excited. So excited, in fact, that they've been in line for a long frickin' time. People such as myself, aka people who like good music, aren't going to see U2.

And because I'm a nice guy, I'm here to offer some tips on things to do instead of wasting hundreds of dollars on tickets (and overpriced beers and parking) and time trying to see a group that, let's face it, sucks.
1. Buy a U2 record and listen to it at home.
Unlike the rest of this list, this first piece of advice is actual advice. Let's say you like U2. Chances are, you aren't going to see them at all because all the corporate CEOs buy all the tickets in front. This means the average Joe is stuck in the nosebleed seats where you will watch Bono from a big screen and get confused when the words he's mouthing and the words yo hear don't match up. If you're going to deal with the hassle of going to see U2 only to not see U2, don't go. Instead, buy The Joshua Tree (or whatever the fuck it's called), get a good pair of headphones, some wine (normally I'd suggest weed, but if you're listening to U2, you aren't that cool) and listen at home. Maybe even throw own a U2 slideshow on the ol' laptop and pretend like you are there. Trust me: This will be way more fun.

2. Discover new music.
People who like U2 are (and I'm generalizing here) the types who own four CDs, the sort who say, “You know, I don't really like music.” They come to U2 as a default because they think that's what the rest of us like. Well, we don't. So go to a record store (I'd suggest TKO and ask for Mark. Tell him I sent you. Dude knows a lot about good music) and tell the person behind the counter, “Excuse me. My hearing sucks. I like U2. Can you fix that for me?” Chances are, they can. Pretty soon, you'll be digging on new, good tunes and you'll wonder how in the hell a group can get so popular with such a boring rhythm section.

3. Watch The Inbetweeners.
If it's cross-Atlantic culture you desire, get on the Intranets (it's a series of tubes, ya know) and look for episodes of BBC's The Inbetweeners. It's a show about four not-so-cool-yet-not-totally-lame high school kids in England. You can watch all the episodes by clicking here. There's a movie coming out soon and, just like Borat, you want to be able to say you were there first. Plus, you get to learn all this awesome British slang such as “clunge,” “bent” and “briefcase wanker.”

4. Anything else.
Seriously, other than killing yourself (which I do not recommend), doing anything else is better than seeing U2. Ladies — I'm single. You can give me a call. Fellas — I'm single. Let's party. Maybe your car needs washing or a desk is in dire need of reorganizing. You could write a letter to a friend or invite your mom out to dinner. Go for a walk. Go for a drive. Go for a swim. Go the the bar. Go to hell. Whatever. It doesn't really matter because I guarantee it's better than seeing U2. On a side note, if you are suicidal, definitely do not go see U2.

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