DALLAS COWBOYS VS. LOS ANGELES RAMS
Root for: Los Angeles. The Cowboys got to this round despite losing wide receiver Allen Hurns early in the game due to an injury-—and by injury, we mean his ankle went all Looney Tunes-twisted with his foot pointing in the wrong direction. It resembled something you might do to your GI Joe doll’s feet before moving on to other areas that will forever scar Joe. It’s not your fault, Joe; it’s not your fault!
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES VS. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Root for: New Orleans. Of course, we all love New Orleans, but it’s easy to forget what a cesspool it is. Philadelphia has a well-deserved reputation for being nasty and violent and miserable and mean, but it’s got nothing on the place where bad decisions fall gently on the pavement like sorority-girl puke. The Big Easy is rife with Bad Decisions, whether it’s wearing open-toed shoes in the French Quarter or me once choosing—at the insistence of a friend (thanks, Rick!)—to lay down in a chalk outline of a recent murder victim at 3 am. I have no idea what fluids I soaked up, but I’m fairly certain it stunted my growth . . . and may have given me a smidge of cholera.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS VS. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Root for: Indianapolis. This is a really tough choice. Both cities are sneaky, hateful, racist bastions. Indiana and Missouri are southern states that just so happen to not be located in what we think of as the South—of course, thinking and the South have never been close friends. Missouri is the birthplace and breeding ground of Rush Limbaugh (oh, please, let him never breed), who is really Patient Zero for the kind of ethical and moral amnesia for conservative Christians who now embrace the cesspool that is Donald Trump. Evangelicals, who are so quick to judge others, have long admired Limbaugh, who claims he’s smarter than everyone, but flunked out of college; claims the government goes too easy on drug abusers, but did not do serious time for his own drug abuse; and often claims conservatives have more claim to traditional, family values, though he’s been married four times and divorced three. Sound familiar? Police would call this grooming. Americans call it fucked.
LOS ANGELES CHARGERS VS. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Root for: Los Angeles. Patriots suck.