New England update: By rights, we should like them. New England is the region of abolitionists and Kennedys and suffragettes and Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. But, if you don’t know, New England is sneaky hateful/racist. All you have to do is look at its sports. The Celtics share a reputation with the Utah Jazz of always just happening to have three or four white guys on the team—imagine that. The Red Sox famously did not win a World Series for nearly 100 years, which was all very cutely attributed to curses and/or bad luck, completely glossing over the fact that its owner, Tom Yawkey, was a virulent racist. Yawkey’s hand-picked manager, Michael “Pinky” Higgins, once said there would be “no n****** on this ballclub.” Indeed, it was a full 14 years after Jackie Robinson integrated baseball that the Red Sox had an African-American player, passing on the likes of Willie Mays. See, kids? Hate is for losers. Speaking of losers and virulent racists, Donald Trump is a real good friend of Patriots owner Robert Kraft, who seems like a really good guy, except, you know, he’s really good friends with Trump. How good a friend? Kraft is one of a handful of people who has a direct line to Trump, the others including, we assume, his wife(ves) and the dude who holds the briefcase with the codes to Trump’s most recent kink. We assume these are waterproof.
Los Angeles update: A lot of people are saying the Rams don’t belong in the Super Bowl because of the most egregious non-call in playoff football history, i.e., the pass interference that wasn’t versus New Orleans. But this, of course, is not the first time the Rams have heard this. The team wasn’t supposed to be in Orange County when it abandoned Los Angeles. It wasn’t supposed to be in St. Louis when it abandoned Orange County. It wasn’t supposed to be in Los Angeles when it abandoned St. Louis. And now it’s not supposed to be in Atlanta after screwing New Orleans. Man, does this sound like how Donald Trump treats his wife(ves) or what?
Root for: Los Angeles. Because he’s really good friends with Donald Trump.