Saying he's had it “up to fucking here with all their reindeer games,” Santa Claus euthanized Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen and gave the still-steaming meat to starving U.S. soldiers stationed at the North Pole in exchange for this fully equipped Humvee. Rolling into Santa Ana on Dec. 11 for the Cube Lighting Ceremony at the Discovery Science Center, the not-so-jolly old St. Nick whipped out an Uzi and threatened stunned children, barking, “Who's gonna cry now! Who's gonna pout now!” Moments before taking off to fill stockings for the Orange County militia, Claus remarked, “Yeah, the mileage sucks, and it rides like a Mack truck compared to my sleigh, but, hell, at least I don't have to dodge flying reindeer shit anymore.”
THE RETURN OF SHIT PEOPLE SEND US Corona del Mar Realtor Bill Cote sent us a letter on Dec. 11 asking why we don't run Shit People Send Us anymore. Actually, we do, but instead of dribbling it out like we did in the past, we run it all together in the Calendar section once a year. To hold everyone over until that blessed event next occurs on Jan. 31, we'll provide a Cote-supplied update to our Jan. 19, 1996, Shit People Send Us. Patrick “Realtor to the Stars” Tenore of Newport Beach had sent us a press release after he attended some American Red Cross gala that included a photo of Tenore next to a buxom Baywatch blonde. We noted at the time that he had obviously cut out and pasted black paper over everyone else in the group shot. Cote submitted a story headlined “Celebrities Throw Bash for Real Estate President” from the Dec. 2 Newport News (“The Only Weekly Newspaper Exclusively for the Newport Beach Area”). Tenore is pictured next to former heavyweight boxing champ Ken Norton and ESPN2 fitness trainer Kiana Tom. But the poorly written story (one gets the distinct impression Tenore penned it) makes it sound as if the real-estate salesman threw the bash for his well-heeled clients. Noted Cote next to the blurb, “Is puking a sufficient reaction to this drivel?”
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER PARTY Eddie Rose announced on Dec. 12 that he has left the Republican Party. The Republican Party responded by asking, “Who's Eddie Rose?” Well, he's a former Laguna Niguel city councilman who's a bit on the nutty side but a helluva dresser. Rose, who fought against ridgeline development and for slow growth in his fair town, says “elitists, big developers and other special interests” have too firm a grip on the GOP. Elitists, big developers and other special interests responded by asking, “Eddie who?” Rose says he joined the Reform Party in November and will run for the 48th Congressional District seat currently held by the retiring Ron Packard (R-Oceanside). Responded the Reform Party, “Can you spell that name for us?”
CHUCK HESTON COUNTRY Thanks to OC Sheriff Mike Carona's looser restrictions, concealed-weapons permits have increased by more than half—from 308 at the end of '98 to 482 now—according to figures released on Dec. 13. Meanwhile, with new gun-control laws taking effect next month, gun dealers report there has been a boom in firearms sales across California in the past few weeks, with semiautomatic rifles with detachable ammunition magazines being particularly popular. There, don't you feel safer?
NOTHING SAYS LOVIN' LIKE A BOMB IN THE OVEN Sara Jane Olson, the suspected terrorist-turned-housewife, is raising money for her defense by selling a cookbook titled Serving Time: America's Most Wanted Recipes, it was reported on Dec. 14. Clockwork is especially looking forward to baking some of her yummy S-, L- and A-shaped cookies. And her Meatloaf Surprise cooks in seconds. After mixing the ingredients, form the meat into a loaf, wrap it in foil, place it under the car next to the pipe bomb, light the fuse . . .
Matt Coker has been engaging, enraging and entertaining readers of newspapers, magazines and websites for decades. He spent the first 13 years of his career in journalism at daily newspapers before “graduating” to OC Weekly in 1995 as the paper’s first calendar editor. He went on to be managing editor, executive editor and is now senior staff writer.